To Whom It May Concern:
I am not sure how I was signed up for your magazine. I assume it was some slimy "opt-out" tactic now being employed at Amazon.com. You know the kind -- there is a tiny check box at the bottom of a four page order confirmation that if you fail to uncheck entitles you to X number of free issues of a magazine you have ZERO interest in. Please tell me, why I should care what diet pill Britney uses? Or why Lauren quit The Hills? Who is Lauren? What is "The Hills"? Sweet Chr**t no wonder this country is in the crapper. I need a chemical bath just from my brief exposure to its pages while searching for your Contact Information. I swear my IQ dropped as soon as I cracked open its torpor-inducing cover.
Please, for the love of all that is holy, cancel my subscription to US Weekly. I cannot believe you publish this putrescent offal 52 times a year and continue as a going concern. I am embarrassed my postal worker has delivered this complete waste of natural resources to my home. Please make it stop. It is humiliating.
I would like to also thank you for making it so convenient to cancel my "subscription". A long distance number that is only available during business hours...nice. I can only assume your strategy is to make the process so unbearably degrading that people just continue the subscription rather than face the fear and shame of it all. I can hear it now, having to call US Weekly from my office.
Me: "Yes I would like to cancel my subscription to US Weekly"
Co-Worker: "US WEEKLY?!?!? Hey John, he subscribes to US Weekly! Can you believe that sh*t?!?!"
Different Co-Worker: "Hey what was J-Lo wearing to her big premiere?"
I also like how you give the impression that you can easily cancel your subscription online, when every link on the "Customer Service" page sends you to either a description of how much you owe or a payment screen for your credit card. I would almost be willing to pay YOU to STOP sending me your magazine, but curiously THAT option was not available. You should talk to your marketing gurus about adding the "extortion" option to the payment screen.
Please, once you remove me from your subscriber list, purge all of my data from your electronic and physical records. I am guessing there are innumerable businesses falling all over themselves to pay for the pre-screened list of rubes your subscriber roll represents. Well, no thanks, I would like to OPT OUT of the looming flood of "You just won a cruise to the Bahamas, call this number to accept your prize," mailers or "Ladies love his size" spam.
I would like to cancel my subscription to US Weekly.
Cautiously optimistic that this will be sufficient,
Full Name
Street Address
City, State ZIP United States
Account #: *!@($%^&)
3 comments:
Susanna, OMG. I cannot believe I just read that post. It's like I don't even know you anymore! You seriously do not know who Lauren is? You really do not care what diet Britney is on? Who are you? What have you become? This is like the time I was invited to dinner at an acquaintance's house; I walked in and noticed a tee-ninsy black and white television shoved in the corner of the living room. I said to myself "These people are not like me" and I almost fled, certain that we would have nothing to say to each other. Stab me in the heart, why don't you? p.s., blaine wants to know if he can have your subscription. He also suggests that you check out People, as it is much classier than Us Weekly.
Well, I don't know who Lauren is, but actually it was my husband who wrote that email. Even funnier, an issue of some other US-Weekly-like magazine showed up the next week, prompting another tirade. Turns out that when he bought tickets to a recent comedy show the folks at Live Nation signed him up for all kinds of celebrity-scoop rags. Pretty amusing to watch him flip out as he went through the mail.
Blender... the other magazine was Blender.
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